top calvin & hobbes quotes - part one

I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
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Reality continues to ruin my life.
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Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
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A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add
drama to an otherwise dull day.
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It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.
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I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.
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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
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Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?
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That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
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In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.
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Its no use! Everybody gets good enemies except me.
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What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?
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As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
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This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ...
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I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life ... Procrastinating and rationalizing.
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I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!
I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information
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"Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?" "I'm not sure that man needs the help."
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Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius.
Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you?
Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
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Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes : What mood is that?
Calvin : Last-minute panic.
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"Why isn't my life like a situation comedy? Why don't I have a bunch of friends with nothing better to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren't my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don't my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well being when I have problems? ...I gotta get my life some writers."
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"See Any UFOs?" "Not yet." "Well, keep your eyes open, they're bound to land here sometime." "What will we do when they come?" "See if we can sell mom and dad into slavery for a star cruiser"
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"My powerful brain has come up with a topic for my paper" "Great" "I'll write about the debate over Tyrannosaurs. Were they fearsome predators or disgusting scavengers?" "Which side will you defend?" "Oh, I believe they were fearsome predators, definitely." "How come?" "They're *so* much cooler that way"
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"I'm not going to so my maths homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Here's a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted. But why? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intriguing possibilities into boring old facts." "I never really thought about the literary possibilities of maths." "I prefer to savour the mystery."
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"Bad news Dad. Your polls are way down."
"My polls?"
"You rate especialy low among tigers and six year old white males."
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Dear Santa. Why is your operation located at the North Pole? I'm guessing cheap elf labour, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example you want to set for us impressionable kids? ...My plan is to put him on the defensive before he considers how good I've been.